What even was last night’s episode of Real Housewives Of Orange County? Certainly not Vicki Gunvalson‘s welcome back redemption tour because the very second she walks into a scene things explode. It’s because Vicki never learns!! In between chasing Kelly Dodd around a party and begging Kelly for an opportunity to talk, Vicki is simultaneously doubling-down on the accusation that Kelly does cocaine. Now she knows people who have done it with Kelly. Produce these people!
See this is the thing about Vicki: she always makes some off-the-wall accusation – who knows, maybe it is true [shrug-moji] – then immediately regrets it. Not because Vicki feels bad, but because of social repercussions. Then instead of being contrite; instead of calling Kelly on the phone to sincerely apologize, then making it publicly known that the accusation wasn’t true, Vicki just pretends it will blow over. Meanwhile Vicki will continue to insist she’s not a liar and make little comments reinforcing her original statement. As if repeating it will make it true. Then even worse, Vicki only wants to apologize to save her own faces. What face is Vicki on at this point?
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Anyway Tamra Judge is actually the worst though. The for-real, actual worst. Vicki is clueless to a fault. I would love to see her Rohrsach Test results because whatever Vicki is seeing, literally no one else is. But Tamra I just cannot stand! On a long list of Housewives I despise Tamra outranks even Brandi Glanville (really – she’s that bad).
Tamra outranks even Jacqueline Laurita. I would avoid BravoCon just to avoid Tamra. I once interviewed Tamra’s hairdresser Julius Michael, who was lovely, and he insisted that Tamra is completely different off-screen, and way more low-key. But I don’t believe him, because no one could be that good at playing awful. What makes Tamra so awful is that she has less than zero scruples.
Once again, Tamra’s storyline is can she trust Vicki. Oh PUH-LEAZE. She’s on a Valentine’s Date with Eddie and talking about Vicki! First of all, Tamra couldn’t even muster any enthusiasm for the shoes she pretended Eddie gave her. Instead she jokes that Eddie has a foot fetish because didn’t you know TAMRA IS SO HOT AND THEIR SEX LIFE IS SO STEAMY. Who does Tamra think she is?Braunwyn Windham-Burke?
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And because nothing – absolutely nothing – is sexier than talking about Vicki and Shannon Beador, Tamra immediately launches into a tirade about how her verygoodfriendVicki is phony because Vicki is trying to help Gina Kirschenheiter through her divorce while simultaneously texting that she “hates” Gina and laughing over her DUI.
To prove what a liar Vicki is, Tamra submits a text thread between herself, Shannon, and Vicki discussing Gina’s DUI and all Vicki said was “irresponsible” and “wow.” For the record: Shannon was saying much nastier things, and is also the one who sent the article – not Vicki.
Can’t Vicki believe Gina is irresponsible but still want to help her? Or maybe because Gina is irresponsible Vicki wants to help her all the more? It is irresponsible to drive drunk and have a friend holding a ‘roadie’ in the passenger seat! Is Gina 22? On spring break from ASU? Get your shit together! Emily Simpson said basically the same thing.
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Furthermore isn’t Tamra talking shit about Vicki, then inviting her to a party, the exact same thing? Tamra calling Vicki insecure, after she skipped around her kitchen crowing about joining a country club, is like CBD meet KettleOne.
Look – it sounds like I’m defending Vicki – I’m not, but I just can’t stand Tamra’s hypocrisy. Or that she keeps parading Ryan around in our faces after his racist and transphobic comments on Twitter. He’s disgusting, and why is Bravo not addressing this??
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In other quandaries Shannon is sending Sophie off to the Winter Formal in an easter dress made for toddlers. Or at least that’s what the fit leads me to believe. Sophie’s date arrives just as some weird woman is crouching on the floor lotioning Sophie’s leg, while Sophie issues a list of rules for how Shannon is to behave on her own date. “No drinking until you don’t remember,” stood out to me.
Shannon, concerned about propriety and exposure, puts Sophie’s date on ‘snatch guard’ to make sure her dress doesn’t expose too much. Oh, yeah, great advice telling a teenage boy to pay more attention to that area, Shannon! Shannon’s reality lives in 1912.
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Kelly does a tennis lesson with Jolie and reminds us that really their entire lives is one extended Freaky Friday. We learn the reason we’re seeing so much Dr. Brian this season, though – it’s because he and Kelly are creating a teen skincare line particularly marketed towards children of divorce, because it’s a travel kit. UGH. That is just SO unpalatable and inappropriate to me. Why not make a travel kit for cougars trying Tinder for the first time?
Kelly has decided Jolie will be the face of this product and will market it on instagram. Except Jolie is already being social media bullied after Vicki’s accusation that Kelly does cocaine, and wants to live a more private life instead of becoming the next Olivia Jade. Ugh – Jolie is so sweet.
Somewhere inside Kelly’s loins? Abdomen? Pituitary gland? a fiery rash erupts that burns for Vicki. Instead of doing the adult thing by confronting Vicki, Kelly sends a pig Animoji calling Vicki a bitch and telling her off. Seriously, though, Vicki needs to make this right for Jolie!
Then Kelly skips over to Gina’s to advise her on what to wear on a date with a much-older man who has children almost as old as Gina herself is. Um, a gold-digger sign?
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Gina’s house looks like a Marshall’s got robbed, and she’s wearehousing the goods until they make it to the blackmarket. There are all these “FAMILY” signs and tacky giant clocks just propped up everywhere and Gina has decided to turn the dining room into an ‘adult playroom.”
Whatever that means I’m sure it will involve signage that says, “SAVE WATER DRINK WINE” “WINE A BIT, YOU’LL FEEL BETTER” – or whatever else was available in someone’s Etsy Liquidation Sale.
The saddest thing that happened though is Emily throwing a birthday dinner for Shane’s parents on Valentine’s Day and then Shane not even showing up! Emily hired a professional chef to make pasta, then barely set the table. Her mother-in-law came in a ballgown, but everyone else was in jeans.
Just before cake, Emily calls Shane to see if he’s planning to make an appearance and he screams that she’s harassing him. With what? Adult responsibilities? He’s acting like the dads on Teen Mom! Emily winds up crying into some balloons, while trying to get herself together to serve cake. Emily complains that she’s gained weight, but I think it’s water weight made of tears for Shane’s shittiness. Poor Emily!
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Braunwyn lives a much different life. She’s so hot for her husband, Sean, they have a love shack they escape to for alone time away from the nannies, the housekeeper, her mother, the seven kids, the 52 pets, the giant Pirate Booty Bag that seems to be stalking them – rustling around every corner, leeching ‘booty.
Braunwyn seems fairly normal, all things considering, which is clearly a by-product of growing up with a self-absorbed famewhore mother who gives me Kris Jenner on acid vibes. The woman literally stole Betsy Johnson‘s look straight from Burning Man and is now talking to angels from hot tubs. I don’t know if I’d trust Rainbow Sprite, the manic pixie dream geriatric, with childcare, but the woman is also a doctor, so…
Life hasn’t always been rainbows and pirate booty for Braunwyn and Sean though. There was a time when she was a twenty-something mom of three young kids, stuck at home while Sean traveled, wining and dining billionaire CEOs. When forced to choose between marriage and money, Sean chose the former, but ended up with the latter still.
You know, so far I really like Braunwyn (although I don’t know her well enough for lingerie – what happened to no sex on the first date?!) but I feel like it’s too much ‘my life is perfect’ stuff. Something seems… too perfect.
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Finally it’s time for Tamra’s Housewarming party. A simple backyard BBQ with caterers, a full-bar and bartender… You know, when in Coto…
Tamra has invited Braunwyn, through Kelly, since Braunwyn is new to the area and needs to make frienemies. Even Braunwyn admits it’s weird to be bringing a housewarming gift to a person you’ve never even met. Someone who is tackier than her wildest dreams could’ve imagined.
Right from the start, Tamra doesn’t like Braunwyn – you can feel it – but she has other bacon to fry. Bacon named Vicki. And Tamra, deprived of bacon for so long, is salivating.
The second Vicki walks through the door in a giant faux fur vest, Kelly snarks that she looks like sasquatch.
Vicki also ignores Braunwyn, as is her rude treatment of the new girls, but Vicki pays extra-special skeevy AF attention to Sean and his necklace. I was seriously waiting for Sean to scream #METOO and he should’ve! Vicki – hands off! Yuck. She didn’t even seem to notice when Braunwyn came up to basically intervene.
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Basically no one at the party wants to talk to Vicki. Not even Tamra and Shannon, who before Vicki arrived, were hiding in Tamra’s master bath guzzling tequila and laughing over the pig Animoji Kelly sent.
Vicki keeps trying to accidentally run into Kelly in the obvious way of a kid at a high school dance trying to stage a bump-in with their crush. Except Vicki wants to run into Kelly to tell her off over the Animoji.
According to Vicki, before that, Kelly said she forgave her over the cocaine comments, so Vicki wants to know what changed. Also in true Vicktim fashion she mostly wants to make it clear that they are now BOTH Vicktims of mean girl behavior, and she’s not the only guilty one.
After Kelly ignores her by walking away every time Vicki get near, Vicki tries to have Tamra orchestrate something. Kelly still refuses. Kelly also doesn’t understand why Tamra and Shannon are suddenly be taking Vicki’s side. Um, the pig message, clearly! Shannon is extra sensitive about weight! I do love Shannon and Tamra playing Statler and Waldorf, moderating Kelly and Vicki’s fight, though.
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Eventually Vicki resorts to just chasing Kelly around the party like a ghost from Pac-man, trying to force her to talk about what happened. “Round 1” triumphs Shannon, who was probably activating her Fit-Bit for this. Tamra smirks as she trailed Kelly and Vicki, and if she could’ve she would’ve been screaming “Fight! Fight! Fight” like a playground bully.
It couldn’t have gone more on script for Tamra, who was goading Kelly and Vicki the entire time; encouraging them to speak to each other, then blaming them for things not working out so that Tamra – in her delusional mind – looks like the fixer friend, playing peacemaker and suffering though her party being ruined by déclassé guests. What would the country club crowd think?!
After Vicki corners her near some tables, Kelly runs into the house screaming that she has nothing to say, with a shrillness that could shatter all Tamra’s MacKenzie Childs accessories (I hope!), but Vicki is surprisingly agile.
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Finally as Kelly’s sitting down, literally hiding her face, Vicki attacks. It’s like Kelly has become the Sasquatch Vicki is tracking! We end on a cliffhanger with a livid Kelly screaming that Vicki has ruined Jolie’s life.
Well Vicki certainly knows how to make an entrance – and be a Real housewife! And Tamra certainly knows how to be an atrocious friend. I just can’t figure out what Vicki wants – does she want to apologize to Kelly and resume their friendship? Does she want Kelly to apologize for the pig thing? Does she want them to have a civil conversation in the manner of two adult women who were once friends and behaved regrettably? Does she expect mutual ownership for the destruction of their friendship?
TELL US – SHOULD KELLY TALK TO VICKI? WHAT DO YOU THINK OF BRAUNWYN SO FAR? IS TAMRA A BAD FRINED?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]